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by Wolfgang Jenewein
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Do you know this? You have worries and you’re not feeling well. For weeks you’ve been carrying them around. They occupy your mind, weigh you down, make you anxious, and steal your sleep. Eventually, you gather all your courage and share them with someone.
You’re not exactly sure what to expect from the conversation. You’re afraid that the person you trust might react wrongly, not understand you, or even misuse your vulnerability!
Regardless, despite all the doubts and fears, you want to share, it has to come out, and you say it: “I received a terrible diagnosis from the doctor,” “I had a miscarriage,” or “My marriage is falling apart.”
You had hoped so much to be understood, but the other person doesn’t really engage with you or your feelings. They don’t let it affect them and remain superficial in their statements. They say things like, “Just think positive,” “Everything happens for a reason,” or “It’s not that bad; Y or X has gone through this too.”
Such behavior is called toxic positivity. It is the excessive and inappropriate insistence on maintaining a positive mindset. This attitude ignores and invalidates the negative experiences and emotions of others. Feelings such as grief, anger, or fear are natural and necessary reactions to many life events and should not be suppressed. Toxic positivity can increase the affected person’s sense of isolation and amplify emotional stress. Instead of truly listening and offering support, the person is pressured to suppress their feelings.
Usually, such behavior does not happen with ill intent; on the contrary, people try to help by immediately giving the other person a better feeling. However, the effect is usually only superficial and can even be negative in the long term.
Healthy positivity differs from toxic positivity in that it acknowledges negative emotions such as sadness, anger, and jealousy. It encourages growth and learning through setbacks and conflicts. Toxic positivity, on the other hand, arises from the unrealistic expectation that life must always be perfect. When this is not the case, people may feel “shame or guilt” because they are unable to achieve the desired perfection. It assumes that one must be happy in every situation while ignoring other emotions.
Therefore, when someone shares something with us that is truly difficult for them, we shouldn’t try to make things better than they are. Much better would be simply to say: “Uff, I don’t know what to say right now, I’m just glad you shared this with me.” Very rarely does a response make a difficult situation better. What does make it better, however, is connection and the feeling of not being alone.
Warm regards,
Wolfgang